Stress Isn’t Always the Enemy: Understanding Your Relationship With Stress

Stress has become one of those words we use almost automatically.

“I’m so stressed”
“Work is stressing me out”
“I need to stop stressing”

And when we experience stress, our instinct is often to see it as something negative - something we need to reduce, control or get rid of.

But what if the goal isn’t to eliminate stress altogether?

Stress is a normal part of being human. In fact, our stress response exists for a reason. Understanding what stress is, why we experience it, and how we interpret it can help us develop a very different relationship with it.

Why do we experience stress?

Stress is our mind and body's response to a demand, challenge or perceived threat. When your brain decides that something requires your attention, your nervous system responds. Your heart may beat faster, your breathing can change, your muscles may tense and you may become more alert. We often interpret these sensations as evidence that something is wrong:

Why am I feeling like this?
I need to calm down.
I shouldn't be this stressed.

But those sensations aren't necessarily a sign that you aren't coping. Your body may be mobilising energy and resources to help you respond to something important.

Imagine you're about to walk into a job interview. Your heart is beating faster, your stomach is fluttering and you feel incredibly alert. We could interpret that as: “I'm too anxious. I'm not going to cope with this”.

But we could also recognise: “My body knows I'm about to do something important and it's preparing me for it”.

The physical sensations haven't necessarily changed. What has changed is the meaning we've given them.

Not all stress is bad stress

We often talk about stress as though all stress is harmful. It isn't quite that simple. You may have heard the term eustress, which is used to describe stress that can be experienced as positive or beneficial.

We can experience this kind of stress when exercising, starting a new job, going on a first date, preparing for an exam, travelling somewhere unfamiliar or challenging ourselves to do something outside our comfort zone. These experiences can still produce a stress response. But they can also motivate us, focus our attention and help us meet a challenge.

The important distinction is that this isn't the same as saying chronic or overwhelming stress is good for us.

Long-term stress without sufficient recovery can affect both psychological and physical health. There is a difference between experiencing manageable periods of stress and living in a prolonged state of overwhelm.

So rather than asking, “How do I stop experiencing stress?”, a more useful question might be: “What kind of stress am I experiencing, and what does my body need from me?”

Cognitive appraisal: why the same situation can feel completely different to two people

An important concept in understanding stress is cognitive appraisal. Put simply, cognitive appraisal refers to how we evaluate and interpret what is happening to us.

When we encounter a stressful situation, we don't respond only to the event itself. We also make judgements about what the situation means and whether we believe we have the resources to deal with it. We might experience something as a threat: “I can't handle this”.

Or we may experience it more as a challenge: “This is difficult, but I think I can deal with it”.

That doesn't mean we can simply “think positively” and make difficult circumstances disappear. Our resources, previous experiences, environment and the actual demands we're facing all matter.

But it does mean that our interpretation of stress can form part of our experience of stress.

This is one reason becoming frightened of the stress response itself can sometimes make things feel even more overwhelming.

Your window of tolerance

Another useful way of thinking about stress is through the window of tolerance. Our window of tolerance describes a range of emotional and physiological arousal within which we are generally able to stay present, think, process information and respond effectively. Being within our window doesn't mean feeling perfectly calm - we can be stressed and still be within our window of tolerance.

We might feel nervous, challenged, frustrated or activated while still being able to think, make decisions and regulate ourselves. When the demands placed on us become greater than we're able to manage, however, we can move outside that window.

At one end is hyperarousal. This can look like anxiety, panic, racing thoughts, irritability, feeling on edge or becoming completely overwhelmed.

At the other is hypoarousal, which may feel more like shutting down, numbness, exhaustion, disconnection or finding it difficult to engage with what's happening.

Our windows aren't identical, and they aren't fixed. Sleep, relationships, previous experiences, physical health, workload and the amount of stress we're already carrying can all influence how much additional demand feels manageable.

This can be a much more compassionate way of understanding ourselves than simply thinking, “Why can't I cope?”

So, how can we change our relationship with stress?

Changing our relationship with stress doesn't mean learning to enjoy being overwhelmed. Nor does it mean convincing ourselves that harmful circumstances are fine. It can begin with becoming curious about our stress response rather than immediately fighting it.

When you notice stress, instead of automatically thinking: “I need to make this feeling go away”, you might ask: “What is my stress response trying to help me deal with right now?”

And maybe, you've been carrying too much for too long and your stress is communicating something very different: I need rest. I need boundaries. I need something to change. I need support. Changing our relationship with stress is partly about learning to recognise that difference.

You don't need to aim for a stress-free life

A completely stress-free life isn't necessarily a realistic, or even desirable, goal. Many meaningful parts of life involve some degree of stress: relationships, change, growth, responsibility, uncertainty, taking risks and doing things that matter to us. The aim is not to never feel activated, uncomfortable or challenged.

Instead, we can learn to recognise when stress is helping us adapt and when it is becoming chronic, overwhelming or taking us outside our capacity to cope.

How counselling can help with stress

If you are experiencing ongoing or overwhelming stress, counselling can offer a space to explore what is happening underneath it.

Rather than focusing only on techniques to make the symptoms disappear, counselling can help you understand what is driving your stress, how you interpret and respond to it, what patterns may be keeping you overwhelmed, and what you need in order to feel more able to cope.

It can also help you become more aware of your own window of tolerance, recognise your signs of becoming overwhelmed and develop ways of regulating yourself that feel appropriate for you.

Because the goal isn't necessarily to eliminate stress from your life. It's to understand it, respond to it, and develop a healthier relationship with it.

If you would like to find out more about counselling with me, please get in touch.

Email: reynoldscounselling@outlook.com
Phone: 07459150349

reynoldscounselling@outlook.com

© 2026 Reynolds Counselling and Wellness. All rights reserved.

Privacy Policy

Terms and Conditions

Confidentiality Policy

07459150349

Telephone and Online Policy