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Grief and Bereavement
Bereavement can change your world in ways that are difficult to put into words. When someone you love dies, it isn't simply that you miss them. Their absence can affect your routines, relationships, identity, sense of security and your understanding of the future.
Grief can look very different from one person to another. You might feel devastated, numb, angry, guilty, relieved, lost or completely overwhelmed. You might experience several of these emotions in the same day or feel very little at all.
Sometimes you may feel as though you're coping, only to find that something unexpectedly brings the grief back. A song, a smell, a familiar place, an anniversary or an ordinary moment can suddenly remind you that the person is no longer there.
There is no single way to grieve and there is no set timeline for how long grief should last. The relationship you had with the person who died, the circumstances of their death, your previous experiences of loss, your support network and many other aspects of your life can all influence how you experience bereavement.
Understanding grief
Grief isn't linear. You don't necessarily move through a series of stages and then reach a point where you're 'finished' grieving. You may have days when you feel more like yourself and other days when the loss feels painfully immediate again. This doesn't mean you're going backwards. Grief can fluctuate and change over time. There are also different types of grief, including:
Anticipatory grief: grieving before a death, such as when someone has a terminal illness.
Cumulative grief: experiencing several losses close together, without having had time to process an earlier loss.
Disenfranchised grief: grief that isn't fully recognised or understood by others, perhaps because of the nature of the relationship or circumstances of the loss.
Ambiguous loss: loss where there may be uncertainty, lack of closure or an absence that is difficult to define.
Complicated or prolonged grief: when grief remains particularly intense or continues to significantly affect your life over time.
Grief can also follow losses that aren't related to death, such as changes to your health, relationships, identity, work or the future you had imagined.
There are different models that can help us understand grief. You may have heard of the five stages of grief, although these aren't intended to represent a fixed sequence that everyone follows. The Dual Process Model explores how people move between focusing on their loss and adapting to everyday life. The Growing Around Grief model offers another way of understanding grief, where the loss remains part of your life while your life gradually grows around it.
These models can provide useful ways of making sense of grief, but they aren't rules. In counselling, we can use them as frameworks while keeping the focus on your individual experience.
Grief can come in waves.
Counselling can provide a space where you don't have to hide, minimise or explain your grief.
You may have people around you who care about you but don't know what to say, or who expect you to be feeling better because some time has passed. You may also be supporting other family members while trying to manage your own grief.
In counselling, there is no expectation that you should be at a particular stage or that you need to 'move on'. We can explore what the loss means to you and how it has affected your emotions, relationships, identity and everyday life.
This might include sadness, anger, guilt, regret, relief or feelings that you find difficult to talk about elsewhere. Sometimes there may be complicated or conflicting feelings about the person who died, particularly when the relationship wasn't straightforward.
Depending on what feels appropriate, counselling may include talking, reflection, imagery, visualisation, body awareness or other experiential approaches. You don't have to find the right words for everything you're feeling.
The aim isn't to make you forget the person or remove your grief. Instead, counselling can offer a space to understand your experience and find a way of living with the loss that feels possible for you.
How can counselling help with bereavement and grief?
How long does grief last?
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
There is no set amount of time that grief should last. Everyone's experience is different, and the intensity of grief can change over time. You may feel more able to manage everyday life while still experiencing moments of profound sadness or missing the person who died.
Why do I feel okay one day and overwhelmed the next?
Grief can fluctuate, sometimes quite dramatically. You may have a day where you feel relatively normal and then find yourself unexpectedly overwhelmed. This doesn't mean you've gone backwards. Memories, places, dates and ordinary moments can all bring grief to the surface.
What if I feel guilty about the death?
Guilt and regret can be a significant part of grief. You may find yourself thinking about things you wish you had said or done differently, or replaying particular moments. Counselling can give you space to explore these thoughts without judgement.
What if my relationship with the person who died was complicated?
Grief isn't determined by whether a relationship was simple or uncomplicated. You may be grieving someone you loved while also carrying anger, hurt, regret or unresolved feelings. Counselling can provide a space where all of these feelings can be explored.
What if I don't feel anything after someone has died?
You may feel numb, detached or focused on getting through what needs to be done rather than feeling sadness. Sometimes emotions emerge later, particularly once the initial practical demands of a death have settled. There is no 'correct' way to feel immediately after someone dies.
What if people think I should be feeling better by now?
There isn't a set amount of time you need to wait before seeking counselling. In the very early stages of bereavement, you may be experiencing shock, numbness or disbelief, and simply trying to get through each day. You may not yet feel ready to explore your grief in depth, and that's completely understandable.
Sometimes it can be helpful to allow a little time for the initial shock to settle before beginning more in-depth counselling. For others, having a supportive space early on can be important, particularly if the death was sudden, traumatic or the circumstances are difficult to process.
Can counselling help if I don't know what I need?
Yes. You don't need to arrive knowing exactly what you want from counselling or being able to explain how you're feeling. Grief can be confusing, particularly when different emotions appear at the same time. We can take things at your pace and begin with whatever feels most important or manageable for you.
How soon after a bereavement should I come to counselling?
There is no universal timeline for grief. Other people may have their own ideas about when you should be feeling better or returning to normal, but your experience may be very different. Counselling can give you space to acknowledge where you actually are rather than where you feel you are expected to be.
What if I feel relieved that someone has died?
Feeling relieved after someone dies can be difficult to understand, particularly if you also loved or cared about the person. You may feel relieved that their suffering has ended, that a period of caring has come to an end, or because the relationship itself was difficult. You might then feel guilty for having those feelings, especially if you think you are supposed to feel only sadness. Grief can involve many different and sometimes conflicting emotions. Counselling can give you a space to explore these feelings without judgement and make sense of what they mean for you.
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